Unsolicited Advice for Friday's Debater

We all just love it when given unsolicited advice don't we. But, since the candidates are all on their best behavior (uh, yeah right) as they court us the electorate, they can't complain as heartily as in-laws might on receiving said advice.

Generic Advice

• Ignore the freaking polls. Say what you believe.
  
• The purpose of the debate is not to win it on points or score zingers. It's to illuminate your differences. Remember that.
• You've been told not to scowl or have facial expressions when the other man is speaking. However, if he calls you an ass, you should act like you heard it and he was talking about you (or your mother).
  

Bush

• Don't worry about diction, pronunciations or multi-syllable-alic words. We all know what you mean and that is what is important.

• You have three messages to get out. First is Kerry's dismal Senate record. Review it and tell it like it is. Second is the Ownership with respect to Social Security and tax cuts. Thirdly, give us some spending cuts. Us real live conservatives want to hear about some. We know and you know, Kerry is not an alternative. But we'll be rabid supporters if we got some of them, so give us a bone.
  
• You could cite Kerry's tax programs as, "to each according to his need and from each according to his ability". Remind those who don't read where that quote came from.
  

Kerry

• You're a roadie, I'm a roadie. Bush rides MTB, I don't (much). But just because we have that in common, don't think I'll give you a break. Besides, I don't think you've paid your dues yet.
  
• I have heard how you are a crack debater and you're are a nuanced intellectual. So offer to your opponent a handicap, render all your rebuttals in iambic hexameter or to shorten the evening, how about haiku. (Ok so that wasn't a real helpful suggestion, I'll try again).
• Don't ever, I repeat ever, mention Vietnam. It was 30 years ago. It's not relevant to this election. Get over it already.
• Look most of the blogosphere is not your friend. Anything you say will be on a global test (snerk snerk) on the internet (or "elsewhere"). Either keep it honest, or give us a few real boners to start with and maybe will nobody will take the time to give your whole transcript a real fisking.

Aside from that, both of you slam three stiff drinks five minutes before coming on stage and everything you say will be just peachy (or at the very least more entertaining).